Hatred, Transphobia & Twitter storms..

I'm far from surprised that this has blown up like it has.. To be honest it was only a matter of time, Trans people put up with an awful lot, I don't want to get into a battle of who is the most oppressed.. A battle no ones wins, but I want to explain where the anger has come from. As there is a very real place it's coming from.

So the experience most trans people share, is one of overt hostility, hostility from every angle. Of struggling to find a job, disowned by family, described in the media as often a joke if not a freakish monster, from a horror movie. This only serves to make us feel hated, hated by the world. That the world hates you for something, you probably already hate about yourself, something that drives women and men to commit suicide in droves. Something we really didn't choose, no one would choose being despised, I know what I chose, I chose to try to be a guy.. I battled it out with myself for decades living with a constant depression and self loathing..

So I know what it feels like, that anger at not being able to find the contentment, that others seem to have so easily.. I know also that longing to be the real you, despite all the hate seemingly from every side.. So I wasn't surprised that these women would react so fiercely to the perceived transphobia from someone they'd hoped was on their side... Someone who reacted badly to polite requests to change one line, to understand this hurt.

So this becomes a toxic mixture, a reaction to the vile things shouted out in the street, a reaction to the horrible looks from passing strangers, the stupid comedians making us the butt of their poor taste jokes. The easy targets, we do know they all hate us.. All of them, or so it seems.. So when the good guys turn on us it makes it all the harder to forgive.. Here is the "storm in a D-cup" as Suzanne Moore put it today.. This is where the incredible anger comes from.. Suzanne it isn't personal, to you, but it really is very personal to us!

Suzanne Moore caught this anger full in the face, I'm sorry... I'm sorry it was her, as I'd always been a fan, retweeting her articles and reading her column every week. But this tinder box has been waiting to blow up for a while and boy has it blown up!

Julie Burchill's piece was the catalyst for me to get involved. I'd stayed out of the arguments before, as I'm not a fan of twitter mobs and didn't enjoy watching this one develop. But JB's article was the tipping point.

Reading her article was like reading those hateful things homophobes yell in the street.. Worse this was betrayal and abuse, but the trans community is finding it's voice finally. The way us finding our voice is being described though is as we're some powerful cabal of domineering media connected bullies trying to silence debate... We are so far from this description, as for it to be comical. This is angry people on the very fringes of society who've simply had enough of this! It's not about silencing debate, this is standing up for ourselves. It's about people who've had enough of this shit and are not going to let it pass anymore. No newspaper would publish such a vile piece about any ethnic minority and we won't let it go on anymore, we aren't going anywhere.

Open Letter to Stephen Pritchard, the readers editor of the Observer

Dear Stephen Pritchard,

As a life long Guardian and Observer reader I felt sickened to my core to read Julie Burchill's piece on the recent twitter storm around Suzanne Moore. I'd avoided getting involved in the arguments that drove Ms Moore from twitter, as I'd felt there'd been little deliberate malice in her original offending article.

This however cannot be said for the piece by Burchill, which is a more odious piece of "trolling" than I have read in recent years. I have always trusted in the Guardian as a liberal and progressive newspaper that didn't treat the most vulnerable in society as punch bags - unlike most of the print media. I've known that, as with a lot of mainstream media, even you had a blind spot when it came to the trans community, but in recent years you have been putting this right.

So it was with real dismay that I read the article from Julia Burchill this morning, telling me that I am a "a dick in chicks' clothing" and a "bed wetter in a bad wig". You see I am a trans woman, and so take great exception to being described in such vile terms! I do realise that many people do hold such views about myself and trans people in general, but then many people hold horrible views about all minorities. What I do not expect, is having them given the validation of the platform of a internationally respected progressive newspaper like yours.

I feel very let down and will have to question if I buy the Observer in future, depending on they way you as a paper handle this from here on!

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this.

Regards
Cass Hoskins

Sent from my iPad

In the bag...

Recently chatting with a friend, she said to me that my transition was "in the bag" as she put it. I was surprised at this at the time she said it. But thinking about it later on I realised how right she was. I've been feeling the difference myself over the last month or so. 17 months into my hormone therapy and the changes in me have become so dramatic, my bodyshape has changed so much that it's hard for me to even look male even if I wanted to.

I don't know there is so much to write that I'm not even sure where to start, I guess the best thing to do is start posting more so I don't feel so overwhelmed by what I have to say. The main thing I have to say right now is the big change I really feel now, and that is that when I look in the mirror now I am not seeing a man anymore, this is making living my life as a woman so much easier so much more relaxed. I'm no longer worried that people looking at me see a guy in a dress.

I guess I need to write lots more posts, rather than long ones. As I've so much to say?

Not a fairy story

In the late 1960's a little girl was born, her parents lived in a brave new world, where they were fighting against the preconceptions and rules that their parents lived within. This ethos they passed on to their daughter and her brother.

The thing is even though her parents were very open minded for the time, the world she was born into was one with very strict expectations of what it meant to be a girl or a boy, growing up in the 70's. So she learn't to hate being a girl, the reason for this was, even though she knew who she was the world saw her as a he. She knew boys were not allowed to be feminine and the world would never accept the true her. It was very clear, to her, that to have friends and to be accepted she could never be a girl. So he learn't to hid that side of him, push her down where no one could see her, not even himself. So he put up a wall, a wall of masculinity, a masculinity he'd never really understood. That he'd spend years crafting, so no one would see past him, terrified that someone might.

The problem was she never really went away, no matter how hard he built the him, he would never feel able to build a proper friendship or relationship always scared of someone seeing through him, seeing her.

For a time he built a successful manhood, a good degree and lovely wife and son with a great creative job. But the battle with in him was poison, he could never be happy till he set her free. He'd always known that one day she'd let herself out, aware that the truth would have to come out and it would probably be pretty messy.

S0 after nearly 40 years he stopped and looked herself in the eye and said that's it, I can't fight her any more, she couldn't do this any more. If she wanted a good relationship and I wanted to succeed as a rounded person this had to stop. So she stepped back from the lies shaved off her beard and went to see a doctor, came out to her friends and family and finally started to live her life to the full.

People now tell her how much more she smiles now and how much they like her, not that they disliked the him, but she is less angry and fierce. She doesn't walk down the street scowling at the world. Being fierce when shouldn't with her beautiful son, Being able to show her son the love he needs, because finally she loves who she is.

She now loves her life for once and realises she can never go back to the him. How ever much being her is complex and has cost her the love of some people she cared for. The him is gone and because he was never a real person, she doesn't morn his passing even if her family do.

She really loves being herself now and should probably get to sleep now!

Love Cass xx

Family

Well my mum and dad now know and to be honest this has gone about as badly as it possible could have. My dad feels I'm lost to him and I'm really not sure what to say to him. As I had a long chat with him but have the feeling that nothing I said went in. The fact he phoned my mum even though he's promised to let me talk to her myself. So today I'm going to see my mum and talk this through with her. I'm not looking forward to this but I guess this has to be done. I've been going over this in my head for days and days and I still don't really know what will come from it and can't yet guess what she's going to say.

All I do know is that this is my worst nightmare, since I was little terrified that my mum would catch me in her clothes or makeup. I just have to face the music finally after all these years..

I will try to up date how this goes today!

Valentines again!

So here I am nearly 2 years into to exploring my gender identity; I'm feeling slightly blue today, it feels like I've come so far in all this but yet I'm still a long way away from becoming the woman I know I am. Though this will always be a bit the case, I can only ever be almost a woman. I just need to keep positive about it and keep on with the goal as I know it's worth it. I just feel in a bit of a weird limbo land right now. I'm still spending more time male than female and still single. This feels like a horrible trap that I can't see a way out of, the facial hair thing is a huge issue that once I'm rid of will help me live some thing near full time.

I've talked to and flirted with many men but none has either been brave enough or compatible with me! It feels like a long difficult path to find a boy friend. I can't see me finding one any time soon, while I'm in this limbo land. All my women friends seem to be finding love and I'm so pleased for them just hope I can find a little bit for me some time..

Sorry for the moan

Biba mini dress

After a mad night round at my friend Cassandra's mums house. Greta, her mum, decided I would look amazing in her original Biba dress from the 60's so I had to try it on.. Well I wasn't given much choice in the matter..

Anyway I thought it looked fab, I'll just have to find one like it for my next party night with the girls!