Saturday, 28 May 2011

Not a fairy story

In the late 1960's a little girl was born, her parents lived in a brave new world, where they were fighting against the preconceptions and rules that their parents lived within. This ethos they passed on to their daughter and her brother.

The thing is even though her parents were very open minded for the time, the world she was born into was one with very strict expectations of what it meant to be a girl or a boy, growing up in the 70's. So she learn't to hate being a girl, the reason for this was, even though she knew who she was the world saw her as a he. She knew boys were not allowed to be feminine and the world would never accept the true her. It was very clear, to her, that to have friends and to be accepted she could never be a girl. So he learn't to hid that side of him, push her down where no one could see her, not even himself. So he put up a wall, a wall of masculinity, a masculinity he'd never really understood. That he'd spend years crafting, so no one would see past him, terrified that someone might.

The problem was she never really went away, no matter how hard he built the him, he would never feel able to build a proper friendship or relationship always scared of someone seeing through him, seeing her.

For a time he built a successful manhood, a good degree and lovely wife and son with a great creative job. But the battle with in him was poison, he could never be happy till he set her free. He'd always known that one day she'd let herself out, aware that the truth would have to come out and it would probably be pretty messy.

S0 after nearly 40 years he stopped and looked herself in the eye and said that's it, I can't fight her any more, she couldn't do this any more. If she wanted a good relationship and I wanted to succeed as a rounded person this had to stop. So she stepped back from the lies shaved off her beard and went to see a doctor, came out to her friends and family and finally started to live her life to the full.

People now tell her how much more she smiles now and how much they like her, not that they disliked the him, but she is less angry and fierce. She doesn't walk down the street scowling at the world. Being fierce when shouldn't with her beautiful son, Being able to show her son the love he needs, because finally she loves who she is.

She now loves her life for once and realises she can never go back to the him. How ever much being her is complex and has cost her the love of some people she cared for. The him is gone and because he was never a real person, she doesn't morn his passing even if her family do.

She really loves being herself now and should probably get to sleep now!

Love Cass xx

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