Out clubbing at Transisters in Brighton, I'm so pleased with how far I've progressed in the last year and I feel it shows in how happy I look in this photo. Who knows how much I will change in the coming year? I can wait!!

Digital ghosts of lost friends

A friend of mine died recently, quite suddenly.. This was quite a shock to me and all her friends. She leaves behind 3 beautiful girls, who will be devastated. A single mother she lived for her daughters and was just rebuilding her life after the split from their father. 

This is just one of those terrible tragic things that life is prone to through at us! The thing, I was messing about on Facebook the other day and came accross her on my list of friends. Her Facebook page is still there.. All the photos of her and her daughters on holiday.. All the silly jokes and messages with her friends. It was hard to remember that she was dead. As she died so suddenly no will know her passwords or account details. So I guess her account will just sit there, frozen in time. The last comments on her wall from just a few days before she died. This has made me think, how many pages are there, where the user has died like this. If I died who would know to remove all the little bits of web stuff I have out there..? In way it's quite poetic, a lasting memory of the real person.. The stupid facile stuff we all post and talk about, rather than the piousness that takes over often when someone dies. 

Groove Armada

Groove Armadas new ep is available through this link if you want to down the load the track and then share it with your friends..

http://www.bliveshare.com/share/cIhBLNXYnXxiGxJnaJTT/cassdavis

2008...

Well what a incredible year 2008 was, I've gone from having a beard, body hair and a paunch, I've let my masculine life fall back. Shaved off the beard , body hair and lost about a stone in weight! Buying a good wig and a nice pair of breasts from ebay! The transformation has been such a incredible journey.

But going out as a girl for the first time has to be the stand out moment of the year even if I probably looked terrible and was scared to death. It was such a revelation! The world didn't explode and no one screamed in horror as I walked down the street. Since then I've been out so many times there is not much point in writing them all up any more. The thing I will always remember is the first time I heard my own heels click clacking down the street!

I've also made some fantastic friends, Tasha, Sophie, Jay and Zo to name but a few of them. Other friendships have been transformed by the new me! The female friends, I've come out to have been incredibly supportive and kept me sane through all the craziness. That they now see me as a woman is such an incredible compliment, I couldn't have hoped for a better reaction if I'd tried!

Anyway all those people who have touched my life over the last year here is a great big THANK YOU!! Thank you to the guys who've shown me what fun a girl can have with a nice boy in her bed! I'd never thought I'd be writing this last year let alone having done it! And thank you to all the fun and funny boys and girls I've met on-line. For making me laugh and listening to my random waffle...

The next step up..?

I've finally done it, made that first step of going to see my doctor and telling her I'm, well I think I might be transsexual! I'm not sure how to describe it, but I felt incredibly silly sat there telling my doctor I was ts. Dr Lipscoombe, on the other hand, didn't seem fazed by it at all. I guess being in general practice in Brighton you get to see a lot of this.

Prodigal Sons

Watched one of the most beautiful and sensitive documentaries about a ts I ever seen last night, so far from the usual tabloid gore fests that obsess about the operation.. It was Kimberly Reed, a ts woman's personal journey home for her school reunion and to try and make peace with her brother.

The film struck so many chords with my own life it made me cry.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcfour/documentaries/storyville

Life as a Pseudo Woman

Is a really stupid thing to attempt and anyone with any sense would run screaming from. Who would want to try to convince the world they were a woman when patently they weren't. Well I do or would like to try! It's been the elephant in the room all my life. Something I've tried to ignore for the best part of 35 years. It's distracted me from all the good things I've had put in front of me; like talent, lovers, children well paid jobs. Left me feeling like a fake for all those years. A pretend man who was waiting for every one to see through him.

It's time to put this right, time to reclaim my life from the lies and fear. It's a mountain to climb, a very expensive mountain, full of horrors and personal demons. A mountain no man would want to climb, but then I'm not sure I am a man. That is the crux of the matter for me, feeling like a woman, learning to accept and enjoy it, embracing it with my all my heart.

The betrayal of my masculinity has been a strange process and might sound bizarre to many people. Bizarre that it'd bother me or even feel like betrayal. Considering I've felt more female than male my entire life. I'm not sure I've ever really hated being male just never felt that I really work as a man! But I feel like a Tory MP who's defecting to Labour.. crossing the floor of the House of Commons to the jeers of my former colleagues and cheers of my new side! This is doubled by the reaction of the women I've come out to. Their reaction has been fantastic, they've all accepted me as a woman totally and made me realise how female I really am. This has left me feeling far less crazy and enjoying being the person I've always felt I was.

With out their support I don't know where I'd be right now, but pretty sure I'd not have got anywhere as far. Thank you Hiromi, Kath and Cass. I love all 3 of you!